Ashley D. MacKenzie: Bond Girl

It’s no secret that I’m a James Bond fan. I own the full collector’s set on Blu-ray, plus the contentious Never Say Never Again. I can name all of the Bond actors in order, including George Lazenby, and the I won’t skip the double entry for Sean Connery. I even linked arms with my new husband and walked into our wedding reception to the “James Bond Theme,” starting our married life with admiring glances, posh clothes, and a party – a party I’m sure Bond would have enjoyed.

I feel like I should have invited Mr. Bond to join us, like I should have just popped an invitation addressed to “James Bond, MI6, London” in the mail and waited. It’s not that our reception was lacking in excitement, it’s just that I feel like he and I share a connection since, you see, I was clearly born to be a Bond girl.

1. I make a helluva drink.

Just ask my wedding guests. With James’ discerning taste and propensity for fighting crime after a couple of martinis, I could help him put his best foot (or pistol, or Q Branch device) forward.

2. I appreciate a good pun.

Want to call me Rosie Peaks or Valley Gold? I’ll gladly respond (once I stop giggling to myself).

3. I love traveling – and I pack light.

Need me to go to an exotic or historically significant locale on a moment’s notice? I’m your girl! I don’t overburden myself with luggage, either; if I can’t carry it, I don’t take it, which leaves dear James’ hands free for perfectly staged hand-to-hand combat.

4. I like camping.

I need to leave immediately for destinations unknown? There’s no time to pack or make a reservation at a cushy hotel? No problem! I can follow you through a jungle and/or developing country without whining about how I need my make-up or a shower (though you might wish that I had both).

5. I look good in a low backed evening gown.

I even walk slowly, and can lean seductively on a poker table/bar/wall/back of a chair. Nobody has to know that I’m doing both of these things because my high heels are squishing my feet and I’m really just hoping for the bad guys to show up so I can whip off the heels to use them as weapons.

6. I’m a strong swimmer.

That man has escaped more watery death traps than any other I know, but they would be a little less stressful with me around. I’m a kickass water baby and could swim circles around Mr. Bond (kind of like all the sharks used to. Poor Roger Moore). I also don’t look half bad in a bikini, for those crucial post soak scenes, of course.

7. I’m reasonably intelligent.

I have a brain and I’m not afraid to use it. Need information about a source, or require an explanation of what the heck kind of device/person/place you’re looking at? I’ve probably read about it, or can figure it out.

8. I don’t usually do as I’m told, and that just might save your ass.

“Stay here!” you say? Not bloody likely. I do things my own way, which is a good thing because you, Mr. Bond, don’t know how to ask for help when you need it.

9. I like to live a little.

I may be smart, but sometimes I choose the fun thing (James) over the smart thing (you know, keeping my angry boyfriend/boss happy). What’s life without a little adventure, right Mr. Bond?

10. I don’t want to get old and crotchety.

I have no desire to be a mean, reliant, critical old person. Saying farewell to this world with an interesting death for the sake of world peace would at least make for a good story.